Net Jockey
Geek Trainee
How To Build A Better Toaster
==============================
Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has
successfully brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster
Corp's engineering labs to market. Bob is a wonder of
mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the design department have
the utmost respect for him, so I was honored when he appointed
me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.
Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the
marketing vice president today to hammer out the project's
requirements and specifications. Here at Acme, our market share
is eroding to low-cost imports. We agreed to meet a cost of
goods of $9.50 (100,000). I've identified the critical issue in
the new design: a replacement for the timing spring we've used
since the original 1922 model. Research with the focus groups
shows that consumers set high expectations for their breakfast
foods. Cafe latte from Starbucks goes best with a precise level
of toast browning. The Acme 2000 will give our customers the
breakfast experience they desire. I estimated a design budget
of $21,590 for this project and final delivery in seven weeks.
I'll need one assistant designer to help with the drawing
packages. This is my first chance to supervise!
Day 23: We've found the ideal spring material. Best of all,
it's a well-proven technology. Our projected cost of goods is
almost $1.50 lower than our goal. Our rough prototype, which
was completed just 12 days after we started, has been servicing
the employee cafeteria for a week without a single hiccup.
Toast quality exceeds projections.
Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of defense
contractors to acquire has just snapped up that block of Acme
stock sold to the Mackenzie family in the '50s. At a company
wide meeting, corporate assured us that this sale was only an
investment and that nothing will change.
Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000's exquisitely crafted toast-
timing mechanism to Ms. Primrose, the new engineering auditor.
The single spring and four interlocking lever arms are things
of beauty to me.
Day 36: The design is complete. We're starting a prototype run
of 500 toasters tomorrow. I'm starting to wrap up the
engineering effort. My new assistant did a wonderful job.
Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me into his
office. He seemed very uneasy as he informed me that those on
high feel that the Acme 2000 is obsolete - something about
using springs in the silicon age. I reminded Bob that the
consultants had looked at using a microprocessor but figured
that an electronic design would exceed our cost target by
almost 50% with no real benefit in terms of toast quality.
"With a computer, our customers can load the bread the night
before, program a finish time, and get a perfect slice of toast
when they awaken," Bob intoned, as if reading from a script.
Day 48: Bill Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz, scrapped my
idea of using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. "We need some horsepower
if we're gonna program this puppy in C," he said, while I
stared fascinated at the old crumbs stuck in his wild beard.
"Time-to-market, you know. Delivery is due in three months.
We'll just pop this cool new 8-bitter I found into it, whip up
some code, and ship to the end user."
Day 120: The good news is that I'm getting to stretch my
mechanical-design abilities. Bill convinced management that the
old spring-loaded, press-down lever control is obsolete. I've
designed a "motorized insertion port," stealing ideas from a
CD-ROM drive. Three cross-coupled, safety-interlock micro
switches ensure that the heaters won't come on unless users
properly insert the toast. We're seeing some reliability
problems due to the temperature extremes, but I'm sure we can
work those out.
Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
We've replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard-architecture, 16-
bit, 3-MIPS CPU.
Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really need a
graphical user interface with a full-screen LCD. "You're gonna
need some horsepower to drive that," Bill warned us. "I
recommend a 386 with a half-meg of RAM." He went back to design
Revision J of the PC board. Day 268: New schedule: We now
expect delivery in three months. We've cured most of the
electronics' temperature problems with a pair of fans, though
management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits in his
office all day, door locked, drinking Jack Daniels. Like
clockwork, his wife calls every night around midnight, sobbing.
I'm worried about him and mentioned my concern to Chuck.
"Wife?" he asked. "Wife? Yeah, I think I've got one of those,
and two or three kids, too. Now, let's just stick another meg
of RAM in here, OK?"
Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now installing
Windows CE. The auditors applauded Bill's plan to upgrade to a
Pentium with 32 Mbytes of RAM. There's still no functioning
code, but the toaster is genuinely impressive. Four circuit
boards, bundles of cables, and a gigabit of hard-disk space.
"This sucker has more computer power than the entire world did
20 years ago," Bill boasted proudly.
Day 384: Toast quality is sub-par. The addition of two more
cooling fans keeps the electronics to a reasonable temperature
but removes too much heat from the toast. I'm struggling with
baffles to vector the air, but the thrust of all these fans
spins the toaster around.
Day 410: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
We switched >From C++ to Java. "That'll get them pesky memory-
allocation bugs, for sure," Bill told his team of 15
programmers. This approach seems like a good idea to me,
because Java is platform-independent, and there are rumors
circulating that we're porting to a SPARC station.
Day 530: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
I mastered the temperature problems by removing all of the fans
and the heating elements. The Pentium is now thermally bonded
to the toast. We found a thermal grease that isn't too
poisonous. Our marketing people feel that the slight
degradation in taste from the grease will be more than
compensated for by the "toasting experience that can only come
from a CISC-based, 32-bit multitasking machine running the
latest multi-platform software."
Day 610: The product ships. It weighs 72 lb and costs $325.
Bill is promoted to CEO.
==============================
Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has
successfully brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster
Corp's engineering labs to market. Bob is a wonder of
mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the design department have
the utmost respect for him, so I was honored when he appointed
me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.
Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the
marketing vice president today to hammer out the project's
requirements and specifications. Here at Acme, our market share
is eroding to low-cost imports. We agreed to meet a cost of
goods of $9.50 (100,000). I've identified the critical issue in
the new design: a replacement for the timing spring we've used
since the original 1922 model. Research with the focus groups
shows that consumers set high expectations for their breakfast
foods. Cafe latte from Starbucks goes best with a precise level
of toast browning. The Acme 2000 will give our customers the
breakfast experience they desire. I estimated a design budget
of $21,590 for this project and final delivery in seven weeks.
I'll need one assistant designer to help with the drawing
packages. This is my first chance to supervise!
Day 23: We've found the ideal spring material. Best of all,
it's a well-proven technology. Our projected cost of goods is
almost $1.50 lower than our goal. Our rough prototype, which
was completed just 12 days after we started, has been servicing
the employee cafeteria for a week without a single hiccup.
Toast quality exceeds projections.
Day 24: A major aerospace company that had run out of defense
contractors to acquire has just snapped up that block of Acme
stock sold to the Mackenzie family in the '50s. At a company
wide meeting, corporate assured us that this sale was only an
investment and that nothing will change.
Day 30: I showed the Acme 2000's exquisitely crafted toast-
timing mechanism to Ms. Primrose, the new engineering auditor.
The single spring and four interlocking lever arms are things
of beauty to me.
Day 36: The design is complete. We're starting a prototype run
of 500 toasters tomorrow. I'm starting to wrap up the
engineering effort. My new assistant did a wonderful job.
Day 38: Suddenly, a major snag happened. Bob called me into his
office. He seemed very uneasy as he informed me that those on
high feel that the Acme 2000 is obsolete - something about
using springs in the silicon age. I reminded Bob that the
consultants had looked at using a microprocessor but figured
that an electronic design would exceed our cost target by
almost 50% with no real benefit in terms of toast quality.
"With a computer, our customers can load the bread the night
before, program a finish time, and get a perfect slice of toast
when they awaken," Bob intoned, as if reading from a script.
Day 48: Bill Compguy, the new microprocessor whiz, scrapped my
idea of using a dedicated 4-bit CPU. "We need some horsepower
if we're gonna program this puppy in C," he said, while I
stared fascinated at the old crumbs stuck in his wild beard.
"Time-to-market, you know. Delivery is due in three months.
We'll just pop this cool new 8-bitter I found into it, whip up
some code, and ship to the end user."
Day 120: The good news is that I'm getting to stretch my
mechanical-design abilities. Bill convinced management that the
old spring-loaded, press-down lever control is obsolete. I've
designed a "motorized insertion port," stealing ideas from a
CD-ROM drive. Three cross-coupled, safety-interlock micro
switches ensure that the heaters won't come on unless users
properly insert the toast. We're seeing some reliability
problems due to the temperature extremes, but I'm sure we can
work those out.
Day 132: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
We've replaced the 8-bitter with a Harvard-architecture, 16-
bit, 3-MIPS CPU.
Day 172: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
Day 194: The auditors convinced management we really need a
graphical user interface with a full-screen LCD. "You're gonna
need some horsepower to drive that," Bill warned us. "I
recommend a 386 with a half-meg of RAM." He went back to design
Revision J of the PC board. Day 268: New schedule: We now
expect delivery in three months. We've cured most of the
electronics' temperature problems with a pair of fans, though
management is complaining about the noise. Bob sits in his
office all day, door locked, drinking Jack Daniels. Like
clockwork, his wife calls every night around midnight, sobbing.
I'm worried about him and mentioned my concern to Chuck.
"Wife?" he asked. "Wife? Yeah, I think I've got one of those,
and two or three kids, too. Now, let's just stick another meg
of RAM in here, OK?"
Day 290: We gave up on the custom GUI and are now installing
Windows CE. The auditors applauded Bill's plan to upgrade to a
Pentium with 32 Mbytes of RAM. There's still no functioning
code, but the toaster is genuinely impressive. Four circuit
boards, bundles of cables, and a gigabit of hard-disk space.
"This sucker has more computer power than the entire world did
20 years ago," Bill boasted proudly.
Day 384: Toast quality is sub-par. The addition of two more
cooling fans keeps the electronics to a reasonable temperature
but removes too much heat from the toast. I'm struggling with
baffles to vector the air, but the thrust of all these fans
spins the toaster around.
Day 410: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
We switched >From C++ to Java. "That'll get them pesky memory-
allocation bugs, for sure," Bill told his team of 15
programmers. This approach seems like a good idea to me,
because Java is platform-independent, and there are rumors
circulating that we're porting to a SPARC station.
Day 530: New schedule: We now expect delivery in three months.
I mastered the temperature problems by removing all of the fans
and the heating elements. The Pentium is now thermally bonded
to the toast. We found a thermal grease that isn't too
poisonous. Our marketing people feel that the slight
degradation in taste from the grease will be more than
compensated for by the "toasting experience that can only come
from a CISC-based, 32-bit multitasking machine running the
latest multi-platform software."
Day 610: The product ships. It weighs 72 lb and costs $325.
Bill is promoted to CEO.
