A nose goes into the same pub and the barman says "there's no way I'm serving you, you're off your face"
Q: What's a clean 4-letter word for Incumbent? A: L-I-A-R ------------------------------ Q: How many dead people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on how you stack 'em.
Bentley Forums - - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it? Camaro/Firebird Forums - - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back. Mustang (Chevelle) forums - - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me. Monte Carlo forums - - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo. Civic forums - - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me. VW Bug forum - - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics) Yugo Forum - - - When's the last time yours ran? Lamborghini forum - - - Wind noise around 210MPH Miata forums - - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics) Chevy Tahoe forum - - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics) Pontiac Fiero forum - - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics) BMW 7-series forum - - - Where to get service on my Rolex? Cadillac forum - - - Problems parallel parking at bingo. Chevy Suburban Forum - - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon? Buick Forum - - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me? Delorean forum - - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985. Crown Victoria forum - - - How come people never pass me on the highway? Honda Accord forum - - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims. Toyota Echo forum - - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's? Ferrari forums - - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast. Porsche forums - - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself? Saturn forums - - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace. Jaguar forum - - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on? Mercedes forum - - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board? Mini forum - - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics) Dodge Viper forum - - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather? McLaren F1 forum - - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me. Dodge Minivan forum - - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be? Hummer forum - - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas. Fiat forum - - -Hello? Am I the only member? Subaru WRX forum - - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot. Chevy pickup forum - - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck? SRT Forums "Will this void my warranty" RX7 Forums - - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me. DSM Forums - - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me Supra Forums - - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa. Vette Forums - - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel? Ford 2.3 forums - - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Has my dad been in?" The bartender replies: "I don't know - what does he look like?"
hereś one that i am (with recently moving to linux) almost all pc users are ¨PIBCAK´s (Problem Is Between Chair And Kewboard) thats one from years ago, but still funny, LOL
Political Theories DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow. NEW YORK CORPORATION You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
Didn't want to post another long one, my friend sent me this link. It's an application to live in New Jersey.. enjoy Fun E Humor - Joke and Humour Archive
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some shopping done. I was stressed out & a little irate. It was dark, cold, & wet in the car Park as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy, I Noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling Under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a Quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 Years old. He was short & thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged Old football shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly Enough, he was holding a fifty pound note in his hand. Thinking that he had Gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers & four Sisters all of whom also had birthdays imminent just like my little Boy. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly Educated & worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support Her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp & save a hundred Pounds to buy her children birthday presents. The young boy had been dropped Off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money To buy presents for all his siblings & save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed One of the fifty pound notes & disappeared into the night. "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I asked. The boy stared at the pavement & sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up, tears in his eyes & meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry For help. So I grabbed his other fifty pound note & legged it back to my car. What a f**kin result !!!
